Dealing with your grief and pain

I wrote this back in June, when it happened, and since then I haven’t even felt like writing on this blog. On top of that, we’ve had various computer issues. Anyway, now I’m getting organized again, and I feel I have to put this on, for women who might be having the same problem:

This is without doubt the most personal blog I have written so far, but I believe that it is important for women to know about.

I recently found out that I was pregnant. I was pretty happy as I have had trouble getting pregnant after my son. However, it quickly turned scary, and I went to the hospital for severe pain (worse than childbirth pain). At first, we thought it was gall bladder and that the baby was okay. But they soon found an ectopic pregnancy. That happens when the embryo implants in the tubes, or another location not in the uterus. I went into surgery and came out with one less tube and no baby, but my life was saved.

For whatever reason, ectopic pregnancies cannot be saved. The only way to fix the problem is to remove the embryo. The reason it is so life-threatening is that the tubes cannot stretch like the uterus. They burst, and then you bleed internally. If it’s not treated, you can bleed to death. It’s a scary thing to go through. [note: I hate to be so graphic, but this is really important for pregnant women to know! If you suspect you are in this situation, do not wait to go to the doctor]

Every woman who is the first few weeks of pregnancy should know the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy. If you think it may be happening to you, do not delay, see a doctor right away!

Symptoms:

-vaginal bleeding not from a period
-a missed period
-signs of early pregnancy (nausea, breast tenderness, cravings, etc)
-abdominal or pelvic pain – it is often on one side and can come in waves. It may start out fairly mild and get severe. In the beginning I thought it was stomach cramps, but I was literally screaming at the most intense parts and knew something was wrong. Also, you may experience pain when breathing, coughing, laughing, etc. Towards the end I had this, and they said there was blood around my diaphragm causing that pain.
-dizziness or fainting – I had a couple dizzy episodes, but they passed, so I thought everything was okay. Don’t let that happen to you. If you’re pregnant, and you feel like this, get it checked out.
-low blood pressure if bleeding is severe

One of these symptoms may be explained by something else, but if you experience more than one or all together, and especially if you’ve had a positive home pregnancy test and just haven’t got around to seeing the doctor yet, you should. It’s an emergency situation and should not be taken lightly. If you are currently having pains and trying to get to the doctor, I recommend Lamaze-type breathing to get you through the hairiest bits. If this is a first pregnancy and/or you haven’t been to Lamaze classes yet, here’s a quick idea of it: When we have pain (of any kind) it is natural to hold our breath. However, this makes pain more intense. It actually helps to breathe through it. Basically, you breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth, trying to keep it slow, but in a rhythm. If it’s getting where you can’t stand it, try a “hee hee hoo hoo” (take a tiny breath after each hee and hoo. You’ll get the hang of it”. I use the first kind of breathing any time I need to relax, actually. These two forms of patterned breathing will help you to relax, and make sure you breathe and don’t tense up.

The surgery itself wasn’t that bad. They went through the belly button. It’s only been a week and I’m almost healed. I expected pain like after my cesarean section, but it wasn’t as bad as that. The worst thing for me is that I lost a lot of blood and I am temporarily anemic. I’m having to take iron and I get a little light-headed if I try to do too much on my feet. That part is quickly getting better too, though.

Any complications during pregnancy as well as loss of the baby can lead to a mixed bag of emotions and fears. You may be afraid to get pregnant again, or afraid that you can’t get pregnant again. It may be hard to get back your desire for sex, because of fear, hormones, and various complications, real and things brought on by worry. You will have all the emotions of being pregnant or becoming a mother, without the baby to give you the high side. You may feel depressed, scared, irritable, weepy, and have crazy mood swings.  Seeing, hearing, or thinking about babies may make things worse (and you should probably put away or get rid of the baby things you bought).  These things will pass. If you are extremely unsettled (I.e. suicidal or thinking suicidal thoughts, having trouble sleeping, having problems for an unreasonable amount of time) you may want to talk to your doctor about counseling or other treatment. Above all, take your time easing back into your daily routine, work, and sex. Make sure your partner and/or your support group (family, friends, etc.) know what you’re going through and why you’re acting the way you are. My husband has been fantastic through this whole ordeal, from just sitting next to me in the hospital while I waited to see what was wrong, to cooking three meals a day and washing clothes when I was home from the hospital the first few days. I couldn’t have made it through without him and I’m even more proud than usual to call him mine. Hopefully you have someone like this to pull you through. If not, the crisis pregnancy clinic in your area may have resources for women who have lost a baby, along with countless other things to help.

update: I have had a lot of people coming to my blog to read this post, and lots of questions, many more than I ever expected. In my statistics that show me what people search for, I can see bits of your stories, fears, and disappointments by the keywords you used. Some women are searching for the first signs of losing a baby or the signs of having an ectopic pregnancy. Some are searching for what to do about their emotional and physical state after this experience. My heart goes out to you ladies. I have been thinking about the baby I lost a lot, because next month is when I would have been due.

One of the hard things for me to do when I came home was to explain to my son (7 years old at the time) that he wouldn’t be getting his brother or sister he had hoped for so long (we told him I was pregnant pretty soon after I found out. We couldn’t keep it secret). My husband had explained to him as best he could, and my son just said to me, “I’m so sorry my baby brother or sister died”. I dug into that mother’s cache of comforting stories that we all get after a while, and I told him that this wasn’t the right time for this particular baby to born. They weren’t ready, so they decided to come again a different time. Maybe to us, maybe to someone else. But they definitely get the chance to be born again, and they would have happy, full, long life. This seemed to help, and he seemed to believe it. And who knows, maybe I do a little bit, too.

Update Nov. 4, 2009: After talking to my cousin, I learned some more about my grandmother’s experience with a stillborn baby, and how she dealt with the pain.

Photo Credit: charmaineswart