A Very Personal Post: Ectopic Pregnancy and Losing a Baby
By Leighann on Nov 27, 2008 in Healthy Living, Life
Dealing with your grief and pain
I wrote this back in June, when it happened, and since then I haven’t even felt like writing on this blog. On top of that, we’ve had various computer issues. Anyway, now I’m getting organized again, and I feel I have to put this on, for women who might be having the same problem:
This is without doubt the most personal blog I have written so far, but I believe that it is important for women to know about.
I recently found out that I was pregnant. I was pretty happy as I have had trouble getting pregnant after my son. However, it quickly turned scary, and I went to the hospital for severe pain (worse than childbirth pain). At first, we thought it was gall bladder and that the baby was okay. But they soon found an ectopic pregnancy. That happens when the embryo implants in the tubes, or another location not in the uterus. I went into surgery and came out with one less tube and no baby, but my life was saved.
For whatever reason, ectopic pregnancies cannot be saved. The only way to fix the problem is to remove the embryo. The reason it is so life-threatening is that the tubes cannot stretch like the uterus. They burst, and then you bleed internally. If it’s not treated, you can bleed to death. It’s a scary thing to go through. [note: I hate to be so graphic, but this is really important for pregnant women to know! If you suspect you are in this situation, do not wait to go to the doctor]
Every woman who is the first few weeks of pregnancy should know the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy. If you think it may be happening to you, do not delay, see a doctor right away!
Symptoms:
-vaginal bleeding not from a period
-a missed period
-signs of early pregnancy (nausea, breast tenderness, cravings, etc)
-abdominal or pelvic pain – it is often on one side and can come in waves. It may start out fairly mild and get severe. In the beginning I thought it was stomach cramps, but I was literally screaming at the most intense parts and knew something was wrong. Also, you may experience pain when breathing, coughing, laughing, etc. Towards the end I had this, and they said there was blood around my diaphragm causing that pain.
-dizziness or fainting – I had a couple dizzy episodes, but they passed, so I thought everything was okay. Don’t let that happen to you. If you’re pregnant, and you feel like this, get it checked out.
-low blood pressure if bleeding is severe
One of these symptoms may be explained by something else, but if you experience more than one or all together, and especially if you’ve had a positive home pregnancy test and just haven’t got around to seeing the doctor yet, you should. It’s an emergency situation and should not be taken lightly. If you are currently having pains and trying to get to the doctor, I recommend Lamaze-type breathing to get you through the hairiest bits. If this is a first pregnancy and/or you haven’t been to Lamaze classes yet, here’s a quick idea of it: When we have pain (of any kind) it is natural to hold our breath. However, this makes pain more intense. It actually helps to breathe through it. Basically, you breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth, trying to keep it slow, but in a rhythm. If it’s getting where you can’t stand it, try a “hee hee hoo hoo” (take a tiny breath after each hee and hoo. You’ll get the hang of it”. I use the first kind of breathing any time I need to relax, actually. These two forms of patterned breathing will help you to relax, and make sure you breathe and don’t tense up.
The surgery itself wasn’t that bad. They went through the belly button. It’s only been a week and I’m almost healed. I expected pain like after my cesarean section, but it wasn’t as bad as that. The worst thing for me is that I lost a lot of blood and I am temporarily anemic. I’m having to take iron and I get a little light-headed if I try to do too much on my feet. That part is quickly getting better too, though.
Any complications during pregnancy as well as loss of the baby can lead to a mixed bag of emotions and fears. You may be afraid to get pregnant again, or afraid that you can’t get pregnant again. It may be hard to get back your desire for sex, because of fear, hormones, and various complications, real and things brought on by worry. You will have all the emotions of being pregnant or becoming a mother, without the baby to give you the high side. You may feel depressed, scared, irritable, weepy, and have crazy mood swings. Seeing, hearing, or thinking about babies may make things worse (and you should probably put away or get rid of the baby things you bought). These things will pass. If you are extremely unsettled (I.e. suicidal or thinking suicidal thoughts, having trouble sleeping, having problems for an unreasonable amount of time) you may want to talk to your doctor about counseling or other treatment. Above all, take your time easing back into your daily routine, work, and sex. Make sure your partner and/or your support group (family, friends, etc.) know what you’re going through and why you’re acting the way you are. My husband has been fantastic through this whole ordeal, from just sitting next to me in the hospital while I waited to see what was wrong, to cooking three meals a day and washing clothes when I was home from the hospital the first few days. I couldn’t have made it through without him and I’m even more proud than usual to call him mine. Hopefully you have someone like this to pull you through. If not, the crisis pregnancy clinic in your area may have resources for women who have lost a baby, along with countless other things to help.
update: I have had a lot of people coming to my blog to read this post, and lots of questions, many more than I ever expected. In my statistics that show me what people search for, I can see bits of your stories, fears, and disappointments by the keywords you used. Some women are searching for the first signs of losing a baby or the signs of having an ectopic pregnancy. Some are searching for what to do about their emotional and physical state after this experience. My heart goes out to you ladies. I have been thinking about the baby I lost a lot, because next month is when I would have been due.
One of the hard things for me to do when I came home was to explain to my son (7 years old at the time) that he wouldn’t be getting his brother or sister he had hoped for so long (we told him I was pregnant pretty soon after I found out. We couldn’t keep it secret). My husband had explained to him as best he could, and my son just said to me, “I’m so sorry my baby brother or sister died”. I dug into that mother’s cache of comforting stories that we all get after a while, and I told him that this wasn’t the right time for this particular baby to born. They weren’t ready, so they decided to come again a different time. Maybe to us, maybe to someone else. But they definitely get the chance to be born again, and they would have happy, full, long life. This seemed to help, and he seemed to believe it. And who knows, maybe I do a little bit, too.
Update Nov. 4, 2009: After talking to my cousin, I learned some more about my grandmother’s experience with a stillborn baby, and how she dealt with the pain.
Photo Credit: charmaineswart
Hi there. I am so sorry for your loss. I found your blog in a google search looking for information. I unfortunatly experienced a very similar situation in October. I have a few questions for you if you don’t mind corresponding with me. Thank you!
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Jennifer
| Dec 11, 2008 | Reply
I am sorry for your loss.I myself just suffered the loss of my baby due to an ectopic pregnancy, i had internal bleeding and was able to make it to the hospital just in time.My boyfriend is the most caring wonderful man and I am so proud to have him in my life.The worst part of the whole experience is just how life threatening it was and that the surgery had to be done that day just soon after we found out that we were pregnant, we didn’t have time to deal with the happy emotions that come along with finding out we were going to have a baby.The healing is taking a bit longer than expected it has been 4 days and I still have no energy and I am still very bloated and sore.I hope more women come to know about this, this would have been my second child and I had the feeling of pregnancy but the tests I took at home showed negative, i should have listened to my body more, so the only advice I can give is that if you feel pregnant go to your dr and check for sure to make sure the baby is in the right spot.
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Traci
| Apr 11, 2010 | Reply
That’s true, Traci, it’s important to listen to your body. I think ectopic pregnancy might be more common after the first pregnancy, because it can be caused by scars in the tubes and uterus. So especially if you’re had an ectopic before, cysts, or any kind of surgery, including c-section, it’s more likely. Definitely once you’ve had an ectopic it is essential to check with your doctor as soon as you know or think you’re pregnant.
As for the healing process, I would advise you to just take it slow, eat lots of iron- and other nutrient-rich foods to build up your strength, especially if you’ve had blood loss (iron-rich foods include molasses, eggs, oatmeal, spinach and other leafy greens, liver). It’s great that you have a supportive partner to help you out. Take advantage of that and don’t feel that you have to do much right away.
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Leighann
| Apr 11, 2010 | Reply
Hello Leighann,
Thank you so much for this post… I’m reading this two years after you wrote it. Its August 2010 and I lost my baby in December 2009. I have a way of pushing pain aside and moving on with life… with the loss of the baby, I went through a depressed stage for a few months after the surgery. I lost a tube too, I’m terrified of falling pregnant, I feel incomplete as a woman, I’m scared of having children in the future…I found out that I was pregnant and that it was ectopic and that I had to have emergency surgery all at the same time. I conceived during a one night stand – stupid, dont tell me… with someone I had known for about a year, but we were never an item, merely just acquintances. I made a mistake and paid dearly for it. He wasnt interested in my pregnancy, he didnt care where I was hospitalised, as far as he was concerned, I had an abortion, even though I tried to explain to him that an ectopic pregnancy was something very different. He didnt care, he didnt contribute financially towards my ordeal, fortunately I had good medical insurance that paid for everything. The emotional trauma of loosing a child has been intense… I am battling to get to terms with it completely. I think I have made progress, but the pain is still tender. As I’m writing to you write now, I was suppose to be giving birth this month, maybe even be a mother already by now… I have close friends who are pregnant and having successful pregnancies and I’m happy for them, but I also find myself being unable to be around them because I’m scared I’m going to burst into tears, this is a happy time for them and they dotn need me making them feel bad about such a happy time in their life… I’m so scared of loosing the one tube I have left, even though the gynae said I have healthy eggs and everything else on my left side… I’m an emotional wreck even though I do try to keep it all together.. I met a counsellor last week, and I”m thinking that maybe I should go for counselling, even though its been 8 months now.. The father of the child continued being unsupportive, telling me that he’s not interested in talking about my “so-called” pregnancy. I made a resolve to never talk to him again, so I saved his number as “dont answer”. He has tried to call me a few times over the past few months but I just cant bring myself to talk to him, the raw wounds would just open up and I”m not sure if I can contain my anger at that time, and also, would it not be pathetic to still be going on about it after 8 months??? I had the support of friends and some family that I told, but of course, once you out of danger, people forget and move on with their lives. Only, I’m still left with the pain…. Thank you for sharing your story and making me feel less like a looser for not being okay yet… I pray God will heal me, my body, my emotions, my spirit…
Thank You so much for sharing.
Regards,
Miss K
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Miss K
| Aug 13, 2010 | Reply
Dear Miss K
Always so sad to read the comments on this post, all the stories of loss. Sorry I have taken so long to respond. Gosh, pregnancy and losing a baby are so hard to deal with on their own. I was so lucky to have my wonderful husband for emotional and physical support. He was so strong for me and I love him much more for that. Having to deal with it alone would be so much harder.
I still think about the baby that could have been, how our lives would have been different. My son, an only child for now, brings it up often. He’s not overly sad about it, just says, ah, mom, if I’d had my brother or sister we would do this together, now. I still hope to give him that experience someday, but as he gets older (he’s 10 now) it seems like they would be too far apart in age to be close to each other. And yes, it does scare me still to think about getting pregnant and what if…
You mentioned having trouble being around your friends and babies and that’s totally normal. Anger, sadness, guilt, fear, it’s all to be expected. And 8 or 9 months after losing a baby, of course you will be feeling all these things intensely. That’s a significant anniversary, because your child would have been born about that time.
“So-called” pregnancy? No, what an insensitive man. I’m glad you decided not to speak to him again. An ectopic pregnancy and loss/miscarriage is just as much a valid pregnancy as any other. Your baby and all the emotions surrounding him or her were and are completely real. It is normal and in fact very healthy to mourn this baby.
I hope that time is helping you heal and that you are able to find a loving relationship that may or may not include children. I’ve been through counseling lately for an unrelated issue and i can tell you that it really is helpful. Sometimes you just need to talk to another human being who cares and will just say “it’s ok to be you.”
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Leighann
| Aug 25, 2011 | Reply
Back in May of 2011 i suffereda miscarriage (egtopic preg.) Its been just a few short months ago but the pain will be us forevr. My boyfriend has changed his attitude towards me his love has turnd into hate. H doesnt think so our relationship was great today we are no longr together. I dont knw how to get him to undrstnd his feelings changed completly towards me after i loss our baby. I am dealing with the loss our baby and the loss of love from a man that i thought would love me forevr. How do i make him undrstnd im mourning the loss of our baby i need him more than ever….b 4 he walk out of my life forever. Im at a loss for words all i do is cry.
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Monica Orta
| Sep 20, 2011 | Reply
Monica,
I’m very sorry for your loss. I know it’s hard, but sometimes things happen for a reason. As I told my son, our second baby knew that it wasn’t the right time. If your boyfriend wasn’t able to stand with you after losing a baby, he wouldn’t have been there for you to raise a baby, either. When things are difficult, that’s when you find who your true friends and loved ones are. The ones who stay with you and help you through the hard times are the ones worth keeping. The ones who leave at the first sign of trouble were never worth being around to begin with. Losing a baby just months ago you are still in an emotional whirlwind, dealing with sadness, grief, fear, loneliness, plus a lot of hormones. This is absolutely normal! There are two things that will make this harder for you:
1. When a woman has a baby, she goes through a lot of hormonal changes, including what’s sometimes called the “Baby Blues”. It’s common for a new mother to feel sadness, anger, and other emotions, often crying for no reason. Typically this gets better with time, and it is also helped by the good emotional and hormonal benefits of having an actual baby to hold and love. When you have a miscarriage or abortion or lose a baby shortly after birth, the hormones are the same. Your body can’t tell the difference. However, they are compounded, because you are grieving the loss, the death of someone you had grown to love, to think about as a real person with a future, even though you never met them.
2. You don’t have a good support group. I was lucky to have a great husband who showed so much love when we lost our child. He was a great friend and husband. Your boyfriend is not being a good friend and you feel lost in the world. You are having relationship trouble, a major stressor on its own, and all these factors combined, along with fear of separation and life on your own is multiplying everything.
I think you need to get away from this unhealthy relationship. Love yourself enough to leave him, and find a place for yourself in the world. You are special for who you are and you don’t need a man or anyone else to define you. It will not be easy, but you must do this, and be strong, to be able to move on with your life.
I’ve dealt with depression and sad times in my life a lot, and I’ve found that when a sad person helps other people, it takes away from the sadness and lets you focus on other things. Get involved in volunteering for something you care about… I wouldn’t suggest anything with children or babies until you’ve had some time to heal emotionally from your loss, but there are lots of opportunities with the elderly, animals, the environment, anything you can think of.
Another thing that helps is to do physically or mentally demanding work, like starting a garden, or like my grandmother, a quilt. These are long-term projects that take a long time, and they will give you something else to think about, and at the same time can stand as a memorial for your baby.
Whatever you decide to do, find someone reliable to depend on and talk to. Not this boyfriend, maybe a family member or a good friend. If you don’t have friends, find a support group. There are many women just like us who have lost babies. This is a connecting point and she will understand more than anyone else ever can. Start online if you have to.
My best wishes to you in finding the new life for yourself. The possibilities are endless. look at this as your chance to make a wonderful life.
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Leighann
| Sep 21, 2011 | Reply