What is she thinking? What is he thinking? How can I tell?

Ladies, how many of you out there have had this happen to you? You’re in a new relationship, and maybe you had a bad one before, or maybe you’re shy, or for other reasons you just want to take it slow. Then your guy takes you on a romantic stroll, and he’s holding your hand, and looking at the stars with you, like any time you go out. And suddenly, the conversation stops. And he looks you in the eyes and says it. “I love you!” Oops. You didn’t expect that. And you don’t know what to do for a minute. And your awful, awful hesitation is breaking his heart.

Happened to me. Yup. Really romantic moment. The man who would later be my husband said “I love you”. I had fallen into that trap with the only other boyfriend I’d had before, and said it back to him in a moment of weakness. He was a total idiot. Yet, I didn’t feel comfortable taking it back later on, even when I examined my feelings and realized that wasn’t what I was feeling. And he, poor redneck he was (and only 15!) assumed as many 15 year old rednecks that “I love you” equals marriage, kids, etc. In his eyes, we were engaged. From that moment, I was miserable. I knew I wasn’t going to marry the guy. But he was the first guy who had ever been interested in me, and I was enjoying it. I just wanted to have a good time.

I didn’t want the same thing to happen again now. I was just a kid. Didn’t want to get serious with anyone. So on this occassion when my new boyfriend said “I love you”, I just shut up. We just sat there, on the wide swing in the park where we used to make out. And I’m sure he wondered what the heck I was going to say, and wondered why I didn’t say anything, and wondered if he was too much into me, and I wasn’t that into him. I felt really bad. I did feel that way about him. I just wasn’t ready to say it. Because saying it commits to the thing. Commits you to the relationship.

Finally, I said “You know what I’m thinking?”
And he says, “What?”
“I was thinking how much I love you”.

10 years later, we’re still together, still saying I love you.

Why is it so easy for a guy to say it the first time? (well, some guys?) Why is it so hard for a girl? Usually, when a guy says it the first time, he doesn’t really mean it. He thinks he does, but he’s just thinking with that thing he thinks with (I’m not talking about his brain). There are of course some guys who say it without meaning it, just to get to a girl. But the guys who are sincere, don’t really believe them right away, either. It’s a maturity thing. Most nice guys will see a pretty girl and think ooh, I want to marry her. But obviously, that doesn’t make any sense. They don’t know anything about her. They have to learn to slow down and keep their emotions and little brain from getting all mixed up with their big brain.

For a girl, it’s different. She has to really mean it, really believe it. She has to be sure. Because she can’t just go back. It’s a point of no return. Of course, you can always break up with a guy, but it really breaks our heart to hear them say, “But I thought we loved each other”. So we try to keep it from happening. I think this is also a defense mechanism that we females have built into us to try to take a cool, rational breath for just a second. Girls have more to lose if things go too far, emotionally or physically. After all, guys have no danger of getting pregnant. So we need an extra little stop to think.

So guys, don’t worry about the delayed reaction. It’s not you, really. We just have to be ready for us. And when we are, you’ll know about it.

Photo by mikrash on Morguefile.com